![@harambeactivity so baby pull me closer @harambeactivity so baby pull me closer](https://pics.me.me/so-baby-hold-me-closer-in-your-baked-potato-holder-4025382.png)
God sees a much bigger picture from His perspective, and I will continue to trust Him. I guess that's yet another thing not meant for me to understand. It baffles me how my heart is almost living a double life-doing life here with my people and at the same time missing Paige so much it hurts. To continue moving forward one day at a time. The reality is I have no choice but to swallow that pill. In fact, sometimes it feels like I'm choking on it. When that someone is your child, it's a very bitter pill to swallow. There will always be someone whose smile I long to see, whose voice I long to hear. From here on out, there will always be someone missing from moments captured in photos and videos. Movement and speaking and laughing-oh, how I miss that laugh. I don't yet have the stamina to make it through video clips of Paige without melting into a puddle of tears. Sure, I've taken pictures-but as of yet just haven't had it in me to get them printed and up on the wall.
![@harambeactivity so baby pull me closer @harambeactivity so baby pull me closer](https://i.ytimg.com/vi/z5YnzsZEUZU/maxresdefault.jpg)
Two years in, and I've not quite built up the strength to put up new photos. This year-the second year without my girl-the passage of time became all too real.
![@harambeactivity so baby pull me closer @harambeactivity so baby pull me closer](https://i.ytimg.com/vi/Ks2JHWbTdEE/maxresdefault.jpg)
I will never know this side of Heaven, but I do know that each day God gave me exactly what I needed to get through the day-to-day and take care of my guys. Maybe it served as a shield as He comforted me through the worst loss imaginable. Maybe He knew I needed that cushion after watching Paige step into Heaven. Maybe that fog was God's way of protecting me from day after day of unbearable pain those first days and months. I made it through the fog of the first year naively thinking that would be the worst. I've traveled the road of a bereaved mom for two years now and have come to discover it's still a very new road for me. Paige has still been gone less time than I spent taking care of her. And that's still not as long as she fought the cancer beast.